Saturday, September 21, 2013

The Spouse, Ver 2.0

It is happening again:  I can't sleep.

Something happens to a mother's hearing just after delivering her baby:  It goes bionic, and it stays bionic for at least four years.  (Her hearing, not her child or her placenta.)  But the hearing purposely does not go bionic on a 24/7 basis because we honestly don't need to hear everything.  It goes bionic only when the children are asleep, in case of--you know--danger.  Or bears.

Bionic hardly covers it.  I have been asleep in my bed, door closed, and I have heard the sound of a falling feather hit the roof of our house, shaken off a flock of birds flying overhead.  I sat up, opened my eyes, and shouted, "Whichever one of you boys just threw that grey and white feather needs to knock it off right now!"

True story.

But once I'm up, I'm up.  My mind doesn't seem to give a shit if this is happening at 6am, 4am, or 2am.  Once I've crossed that pivotal point where I'm actually reacting to something I have heard, I start thinking about household shit.  "Nothing like a 2am laundry fest," I might say.  Or maybe I ponder the really strange, like, "I know the people in the Febreze commercial can't smell the mess while they're blindfolded, but that doesn't mean the mess isn't there."  And then I'm baffled at what the Febreze commercial is really trying to tell us, because isn't a bad smell a sign that something somewhere needs to be cleaned up?  If you spray Febreze, then aren't you just ignoring the chicken carcasses and fish bones your party guests left behind?

I'm so confused.

Anyway, where this truly becomes and issue of Good vs. Evil is when a mother with a baby monitor is married to a husband who snores.  (For the record, "Sleeping Me" is Good and "Sleeping Husband that Snores" is Evil.)  The baby monitor says, "Sleep lightly, dear Mother, and I'll alert you to any noise or problems."  The snorer in my other ear is killing me.

Do you know the sound of a lawnmower running over a golf ball?  That is what I am waking up to at my house on a "many-times-a-night" basis, but it's only happening to me.  My husband somehow selfishly sleeps right through it.  I've never heard anything like it, and it's only amplified because Caleb hasn't turned four yet.  From what I remember with Aidan, that was when my hearing went back to normal.  I could even sleep through my own alarm clock.  No joke.

The worst part isn't the noises or even the snoring, though.  The worst part is the absolute raw anger I feel when this stuff starts happening.  Two am is no longer a good time for me.  Like, if you were planning a surprise party for me and wanted it to be a lot of fun, I would highly recommend avoiding the hours of 2am to 6am.  No good.  Everyone but me seems to be partying at those hours nightly.

So what's the solution?  I know I'm not the only person married to a snorer.  It's getting so bad that I'm half-temped to sleep in my new office.  No kidding.  Other than constantly waking and telling him to roll over and stop snoring, what are my options?

I'd love to hear some ideas that don't involve duct tape, but at this point, I'm willing to listen to anything.

Enjoy your weekend,

Cherstin, out.